FunStuff: Hamlet As It Could Have Been

Daily Headache: Mad Max(im)

When I heard Max Hall make his now infamous comments about the University of Utah, I was overjoyed--I knew that the Daily Universe would surely have something to say about it. But, to be completely honest, their response in yesterday's paper was nothing short of pathetic.

The article (which represents the opinion of the whole editorial board) starts out with a blanket statement that

Athletes’ bad behavior has always
garnered attention

before moving on to group Max's comments with Serena William's antics and the BYU-UNM soccer game slugfest (a move which is very questionable in my opinion). While acknowledging that each incident was different, the Daily Universe say that the common thread is that each of the offenders

issued a statement expressing regret and
pointing to the “heat of the moment,"

Then, of course, they offer excerpts from each of the three statements.

After doing all of this, and not really saying that much, the Daily Universe finally expresses their real opinion:

Almost anyone who has
participated in athletics
will tell you that aggression
fuels performance.
But there are better ways
to express (or to suppress)
strong feelings in the
“heat of the moment.”

Yes, that's right. After all of that set up, after equating Max Hall's words with Elizabeth Lambert's punches and hair-pulling, all the Daily Universe can say is that "there are better ways." Now, pointing out problems without offering solutions is valuable (and maybe the only possible stance to take) some of the time. But pointing out problems and then appearing to offer solutions is something else entirely. It is both morally presumptuous and lazy.

It is no surprise then, that the rest of the article is filled with trite maxims (the epitome of moral presumption and laziness). For example, the Daily Universe sets up a behavioral dichotomy for these situations including concrete negatives and epigrammatic positives . We can either

become displeased,
irritated, antagonistic,
angry. Or we can
school our feelings and
rise to the occasion.

These maxims really don't amount to much. They are the intellectual easy way out. If the Daily Universe had a problem with what Max Hall said, why don't they just come out and say "Or we can not sully our victories by making problematic generalization about a large and diverse body of people"? That's pretty straightforward, isn't it?

And in the end, all the Daily Universe can conclude is that

In any competition, even in a rivalry as
heated as this one, athletes should display
some grace under pressure.

I am sorry, but the Daily Universe is simply being sloppy and irresponsible at this point. A quick Google search will reveal a little about the phrase, "grace under pressure." It seems to have originated with none other than Ernest Hemingway, and was the way he described the concept of having "guts." It is also tied to the code of conduct of the so-called "Hemingway Hero," especially to the way these men face death. If this sort of ideal is anything like that which shows up both in Hemingway's life and in his writing, then it most decidedly is not referring to only making sure you don't offend others. Heaven knows that Hemingway himself burned bridges right and left and that his heroes do the same. I doubt that the Daily Universe is insinuating that these athletes, especially Max Hall, need to be like ol' Ernie.

But I don't really expect the Daily Universe to understand Hemingway. Hell, I find him hard to get sometimes. Regardless, I still expect them to actually say something once in a while. Maybe I am asking too much.

FunStuff: Tiger Woods

Poetry: Roots

Daily Headache: Worthy of News

Here's a gem from Heather Wrigley, the new Samantha Strong. Heather wrote yesterday about why the Daily Universe chose not to cover a march of handcart-pulling, LGBT people to the Church Office Building. She is of course, making it an issue by writing about it. But she tries to be sneaky-sneaky. Take a look at her little rhetorical strategy here:

Without touching on the offensive nature
of drawing an analogy between the LGBT
community’s trials and those of the handcart
pioneers, without mentioning the twisting
of sacred LDS history and symbols to suit a
political agenda, there are reasons why The
Daily Universe prints what it prints.

I am sure she called the rest Daily Universe staff into her cubicle to point out how clever she is. "You see, I say that I am NOT mentioning this stuff, but I really am! No one will ever know the difference." Perhaps, if we were eighth-graders. But some of us actually think about what we say and how we say it and try not to leave gaping holes and unanswered questions in our arguments.

For example, why is the use of a handcart the blasphemy that you say it is? Why is any history, LDS or not, worthy of being privileged as sacred? If the "pioneers" of my family had been baptized in the 1950s and crossed the plains in a studebaker, would that mean that I should revere that particular model of car? On what scale do you rank the sacrifices people make?

Be that as it may, she does say something that I can agree with:

Here’s a newsflash: The Daily Universe is
a news organization...

I must admit, the DU had me fooled for a very long time. I must have forgotten that stories about "dear john" letters are news. Perhaps I was confusing the Daily Universe with a social magazine, like Square. But Heather anticipates my suspicion, and continues:

It is a news business, whose mission is to provide
readers with interesting and relevant information
about current events, “newsworthy”
events. Think about the meaning of that
word: “worthy of news.”

Yes, let's think about that word. Or rather, all three of them. It really is the kicker--"worthy of news." The OED suggests that the word "worth" ultimately goes back to denoting something of monetary value and that "worthy" means something justifiable, like an expense. This connection to the pecuniary paradigm is more telling than Heather realizes. Yes, the Daily Universe is a news business, and its "news" is merely a product that it peddles. If it it isn't going to sell, it doesn't print.

But Heather likes to portray her product as something more Platonic:

Every beginning journalism student
learns what makes something worthy of
being in the news: Proximity — how close,
physically, or metaphysically, is the news
to the readers? Timeliness — how recently
did the event take place or how soon will it?
Importance — the prominence or impact of
an event. Along with these, drama, conflict,
variety, human interest and humor can make
a story more newsworthy.

I am not going to mention how the handcart march was close, timely, and important. That would be too clever and obvious. Instead I want to talk about metaphysics. First off, I am sure Heather's knowledge of metaphysics is somehow related to shopping at Plato's Closet. Second, why is metaphysics even an issue? If she is going to be dropping philosophical buzzwords to try and sound intelligent, why doesn't she show awareness of the current state of philosophy. Instead of denying the entire philosophical conversation since Nietzsche and claiming that news itself is apparently something transcendent, why not show a little bit of interest in ethics? Why boast that

newsworthiness is inherent
in real news — the passing of key, albeit
tedious, legislation, for example, or the
outcome of a major sports event.

when she could be using the news in way that takes into consideration that Others might not share her view that the only things important in life are politics and sports. But I guess she would rather conclude that

If it’s not real news, we’re not interested.
And if there’s not a “so what?” to the story,
why would anyone care about it?

Which is, clearly, impeccable logic. I mean, if Heather can't find a "so what," how could ANYONE care? I know I sure wouldn't.

Please write more, Heather. I have been oh so bored.

FunStuff: Hitler, Hitler, Hitler

Amen.

FunStuff: RM Daily Planner

Who can count the times that I have sat at home and lamented the fact that I no longer had my official missionary planner to tell me what to do? Well, I don't have to lament anymore because someone invented a product (c.f. Mitch Hedberg on plant watering)!


That product is the RM Daily Planner. The official website boasts that now you can

Keep up the habits that made your mission the best experience of your life with the new Returned Missionary Daily Planner. It’s designed closely after the planner full-time LDS missionaries use with a few adaptations for “civilian” use. Now that you’ve completed your valiant full-time service, it will help you continue to make great use of your time and energy as you begin a brand new chapter of life!

Really, this is the perfect product for those who have left the mission but can't leave it alone. Now they can keep track of their MTC teaching schedule, their speed dating, and their three religion classes with Brother Bott. And all in one place!

FunStuff: BYU vs UNM Soccer Fight

Old news, yes. But still ridiculous.

FunStuff: The End of America

These two pages are some little bits of fun from Slate.com's series about the end of America.

This first one is a "Choose Your Own Apocalypse" scenario generator. You can pretty much unleash all your destructive impulses.

This other one is an interesting article that suggests that, in the future, the Mormon Church might preserve American culture in the same way that the Catholic church preserved Roman culture.

Check them out and remember that every time you visit Slate.com, Anne Coulter gets another wrinkle!

FunStuff: Distractions

I realize that I have been neglecting my blog. Where have I been? What have I been doing? Well, nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, I have been on the internet this whole time. Most of the time I find funny stuff and then email it to my friends. And then it occured to me--just blog about it!

So, I am going to be adding yet another little segment called FunStuff, which would basically be anything that I would email to Jeremy or Anthony. So, here goes (Hillary, this is with you in mind. I know you accuse me of being one of those guys that doesn't study and pulls off the A on the fly):